St. Clevis the Pale Logs On
by Bruce Carlson

     And the Lord sayeth, so will I confound the people mightily, and into their lives rain knowledge of that which matters not, yet hide from them the simplest of things. For lo! I shall give unto them the internet.
     So it shall be, then, that they will be unable to find a weather report, or a recipe for lasagna, and yet still will there be 51,100 references to the word "tits."
And also will there be much sound and fury, for the Internet will baffle and confuse the people. Yea, few amongst them will know the difference between HTTPs and HTMLs, and the vileness of :-) and :-( will strike them dumb. And the people will blaspheme, and knaw their tounges with pain, and the hair of their flesh will stand up, for they not the meaning of "spamouflage"
     And they will be mocked by geeks, yea, and chastised by the dweebish.
     So in their ignorance they will add "cyber" to all they say, until those around them weary of the word, and smite them under the fifth rib, yea, and call upon them to speak of anything else, lo, even Monica.
     But the Internet will seduce all, even though the phone bills of parents with adolescent boys will become vast and painful to behold. For yea, verily, it is only upon the internet there will be found 15,240 reference to the word "hooters."
     Yet still there will be those that believe it is a mighty business tool. And many will shout a great shout on TV and radio, in magazines and newspapers will they sing its praises. Yea, and businesses will invest most mightily.
     And so it is many will spend much time sending unclean messages unto co-workers across the land, and angry screeds about management, and yea, verily, pictures of their boss's head sticking from the fundaments of cloven-hooved beats, lo, unto the Dallas office.
     But the Internet will be filled with wonders. For I shall put Sandra Bullock in all places, and Pamela Anderson web sites will be like unto a mighty swarm of locusts. Indeed web sites there will be in uncounted multitudes, filled with the sayings of those who leave not their basements.
     And lo! The computer-scanned buttocks of nerds will be seen throughout the land. Yet web site addresses will be of great length, and filled with letters and signs so that no man shall remember them. And so it is such that an address given in haste will be unclear in the mind the next day. And behold, my people will find themselves logging in error onto the likes of the Tokyo Toilet Map. And there fear will come upon them, and trembling.
     But behold the homework of children shall take them into the very bowels of the night, for the Internet shall have vast and uncounted references to Warren G. Harding. Yet all must be searched, and the children will tarry there until there beards be grown long. And their parents will fall upon each others' necks and weep, for they are middle-aged, yea, and want to go to bed. Yet the children will moveth not from their computers, and will withhold themselves from speaking unto others, and will eateth up only pizza, lo, in vast amounts. And they will bathe not also, and woe, smell like unto the beasts of the field, and their stench will become an affliction and a calamity to all those around them. And lo, neither will they dateth.
     And online there will be all manner of advise. And the people will do as they are told to do, and eat what they are told to eat, and take all medicines that are spoken of by strangers, whom they knowest not. But yea, verily, I say unto you, a circumcision web site is no place to find wisdom.
     And it will come to pass that those who lust after feet, or who seekest out only women's breasts of prodigious bulk, lo, they will gather amongst themselves and speak of such things for hours without counting. Yet she that calls herself "Pendulous Patty" is in truth a 50-year-old insurance salesman whose name be Chuck. And lo, his paps, though pendulous in their own way, are not as he pretends them to be.
     So also the number of TV and movie web sites will be legion, and with them publicity photos without number. And many shall groan, for Charlies's Angels were a noisome pestilence, yea, even in olden times. And verily, also will there be images of William Shatner without his toupee, and yea, the faithful at Star Trek sites will cry out in anguish, and their knees knock together in rage.
     And I will scatter Links in all places also, so that nothing will be written that does not include boldfaced connections to yet other sites. So naught will be read from start to finish, for Links will seduce even the most righteous amongst the people. And so it is they will begin attempting to learn basketball scores, but be lead off into desolate places, and wander from Link to Link, until they arrive unto the Sheep Brain Dissection site. And there it is their gorges will arise within them, and lo, they will be grossed out most mightily.
     Yet they will know not if the Knicks beat the Celtics.
     But this will stop no one. Nor will the busy signals, nor the cost, nor yea, verily, the mighty tribulations of hookup.
     For there are still 30,320 references to "boobs" to be explored. Yea, and the toilets of Tokyo.